tonight is yet another sleepless night. i cant believe it. i almost took the knife and slit my wrist. just that close to do it. i dont know why but i cant handle my own problems.

im thankful for the people around me. friends and enemies. they thought me well. how to be a better person. somehow i just turn back. sy said that my blog has a pattern. im moving forward then turning back. thats what i always do. i turn back. part of me wants to move on, the other doesnt. i know i have no chance at all to get back together. but something inside me doesnt want to let go. it just wants to keep on fighting. but the fight was over a long time ago. yet im fighting this invisible war againts myself. what is it, i do not know.

everyone around me has made a big impact towards my life. i adore every each and one of them. they give me strength. they give me courage. they give me what i need. friendship.

i always tell myself that i can do this. but deep inside i cant move on even though i want to so badly. everyone moved on. so why cant i? maybe its just hard to pick up the pieces over and over again. starting for scratch when i turn back. trying to run towards my safe point in the past. i guess it doesnt work anymore.

im such a failure. everything i do will always be negative. sigh.

rick.

my head is spinning round and round. im getting the worst headache ever. i dont know what is causing all this. either the counselling went bad or piks blog just scared me. she said that they are not attached. but from what i read, she is. why lie? i dont know why. just to make me feel better? omg. it doesnt. i feel like shit.

the counselling went bad. i have no idea what i just went through. it was like a friends meeting where u tell me about ur week and i tell u mine. wha..? she asked me what she could do to help me and i told her that if i knew that, i wouldnt be here. i mean, if i knew what to do, i would have already solved this damn problem. but somehow i cant and dont know HOW. that was the worst ever counselling shit i've ever been to. i made myself look so stupid.

i cant bare the pain anymore. i think im going to move out. i dont want to stay here anymore. it brings back to many memories which just brings me lower and lower. i dont want to feel this way, but everything around me just makes me feel this way. im fighting every single day. every day! i dont like this feeling at all. i just want to get rid of it. i want to just forget and forgive. when i hear the names jac and him, i would just be normal and walk on by. but now i just dont know how i can. i just fall to the ground. i cant take it, i just cant. fuck. whatever anyone says about me go ahead. u care, so what. i dont want u to care. i wish i didnt come down to KL. i wish i was dead. im so tired of living. i fucking am. i cant fucking take it anymore. i fucking cant.

everyone will mourn, some will not. i do not care. i really dont. anyone says that i dont care about my family, go ahead. i do not care. i dont want to be blamed over and over again for stupid acts. for doing this doing that. everything i do in life is such a failure. why do i even continue doing what im doing now? why am i still here living and breathing air?! i dont want it anymore. i dont want to live. i give up.

rick.

im crying so badly now i dont know how i can even read anything.

today has been officially the worse day of my whole life. i talked to her and it just got me worse. after hanging up the whole, i just burst into tears. i couldnt take it. i just broke down. i mean im breaking down. i had a fight with my sister. shes pissed at me. everyone is practically pissed at me. im such a hopeless case. i cant even help myself get over one silly relationship, thats how she relates our relationship to. nothing but a normal relationship. for me it was more than just a normal relationship. definately more. i cant explain in words how much it meant to me. but it doesnt mean anything to her. our relationship was just a rubbish she threw away after using it.

pik, stop telling the whole world my life story. they dont need to know. i know my mum called u. but that doesnt mean u have to tell the whole world whats happening to me. just dont.

im helping myself to grow out of this stupidity i have. i have a very big urge to cut myself. im holding it in. but i dont know how long i can handle it until i cut myself again. people say it doesnt help at all, but it helps for me. i love pain. pain gets all the anger and sadness away from me. thats what i want. i dont want to feel anymore anger and sadness. i just want to be a normal human being that is happy. i dont know how i can handle counselling. i might just break down there and there. fuck this. i fucking hate this life of mine.

rick.

i stopped putting on a fake smile and everyone notices. i wouldnt want anyone to notice but what could i do? where ever i run away to, my classmates are always there. they ask the same questions, are you ok? and to be honest, im sick of that question.

i've tried everything i ever knew. just to heal myself. i dont really like myself very much. i almost gave up on myself. but family and friends saved me. thank God i have these people around. if it wasnt for them, i would be in my grave by now, 6 feet under. acting out of stupidity.

im starting to read the bible. which comes in handy when im really bored and out of mind. it just cleanses your head for that time frame. i just read the short proverbs which doesnt require much of my time reading. so yeah. the bible has been my savior for today. i almost cut myself again today but i just held on. i couldnt bare the look on my mums face when she sees the scars on my arms, neither can i. the only problem is that i cant bare the pain. everyday i feel it. it sucks.

a few questions that i need to know. how you could ever hurt me so.
i need to know what i've done wrong and how long it's been going on. was it that I never paid enough attention or did i not give enough affection. not only will your answers keep me sane but i'll know never to make the same mistake again. you can tell me to my face or even on the phone. you can write it in a letter. either way i've have to know
did i never treat you right
did i always start the fight
either way i'm going out of my mind. all the answers to my questions i have to find.

rick.

class was ok i guess. everyone could see that i wasnt myself. i try not to show but they just knew. its just hard to fake a smile every single day. i just dont know how to do it anymore.

my results was out today. overall i passed. but unfortunately i failed my wine. i did not know how i failed but i did. i remembered i did so well during the exams!! i really tried my best but i got a 4.7/20! how did i get that? i do not know. thank God everything else was high enough to make me pass, especially computer studies which i got 20/20.

just came back from watching She's The Man in one utama. all of us thought it would be another chick flick when the movie started with amanda bynes but it was good! alot of nice comedy'ness. laughed my head off, so did everyone else in the cinema!! =)

i guess today is just another day. i can get through the next just fine. but i just cant stop thinking about my counseling thing. its just freaking me out. i dont know what to do. i really dont.

guess thats that. i've faults of my own, but can i fix it by myself? i dont know. maybe i need a counselor to help. im glad that this counselor is free or else i wouldnt want to waste anymore money. oh well, not everything is free in this world.

rick.

was rather tired today. mum called, counseling will be this saturday. hope everything will go smoothly.

we did pastry today. which was a total mess. after class, joel, kat and i went to klcc to do an interview on House Of Sundanese. really interesting restaurant. we ate our lunch there. was only rm50 for 3 of us. not bad a deal since we were in klcc. so we interviewed the manager which was Joshua. he was very cooperative and full of information. he even gave us a menu and the restaurants layout and goals. not bad.

after everything, sent both of them back to college and met up with widad. we went to the pastry kitchen to check up on eve. after that, i sent widad home. she has a really big ass house. its her uncles though. so yeah.

after that i came back and got ready dinner for the gang. jaivin was already there. so i got ready the steak and potatoes. i got everything ready. jaivin, sy and sarah went out to have a drink and i just waited for them to get back so the food wont get cold when i serve it. overall they liked it. i did the mash potatoes with bacon bits and the steak with normal seasonings. thats that.

thanks jacq, thanks zy, thanks pik, thanks mabs, thanks soph, thanks sy, thanks sarah, thanks mode, thanks mum, thanks dad, thanks God.

James 1:2 - "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds."

rick.

everyone keeps asking me if im alright. do i look alright? do i look normal? do i look like myself? i dont think so. im not alright. the reason being that i've been living with this one girl for almost a year. we were almost living as if we were married. where ever we went, we went together. where ever we ate, we ate together. until she got bored of me.

having this distance feeling just makes me mad in the head. one day your sleeping in the same bed, the next thing you know, your replaced with another man with a snap of the fingers. i mean, im so used to everything back then and a sudden change of environment just destroys me. the lack of love given also effects it.

i guess it just takes time to get over such things. to regain back my normal life. live life without ever thinking about her anymore. whats the use of thinking about her? it just brings back sad memories. you know, even though i knew she had a past of cheating, i still dated her, i still wanted her, i wanted her to change for her own benefit and yet, i proved myself wrong. old habits doesnt die that easily. they just come back when someone triggers it. i guess i wasnt good enough for her. oh well. life goes on right?

its weird i even woke up for class this morning. i barely slept. i only had like 1-2 hours of sleep. yesterday was really intense. i couldnt sleep. i couldnt even think straight. i burst. shattered up into tiny pieces.

mums sending me for counseling. i guess thats what i need. to get my head straight. maybe i just need to go to a rehabilitation centre and get some meds to cure this stupid sickness i have. probably just put me in a coma or something. other than that, im still going for counseling, like it or not.

i just wished i could have handled situations better. but wishes are only words. i remember making a wish on my 18th and 19th birthday. none came true. i really thought that it WAS coming true, but i guess i was wrong yet again.

i can never be in the correct path, always the wrong one. why? thats what i ask myself every night.

rick.
this is what i do to myself mum. maybe this is why i need counseling.

why i cant get over her and hurt myself? because she was my first love and in my eyes, she cheated on me. she saw another man while she was with me. thats why i cant get over that fact. that is why i keep hurting myself everytime i hear his name. everytime i hear her name.

im sorry to everyone that cares. i really am. but the facts are still there and i cant change it. all i have to do is get over my first love ... that cheated on me. my first love. my first love that i loved and still loving, i love her to bits. i really do. even though the facts are there ... i still do. she makes me whole. she makes me smile. she makes me laugh. she fills every empty holes in me. she completes me.

rick.

as down as i could get, this is the worst i've ever felt. i just feel emptiness in me yet again. every night i just dream of someone just next to me, cuddling up next to me, just holding me tight to sleep. i want that, i miss it.

neither pain nor cuts nor anger can change anything. but none the less, i still do it. out of stupidity. i just wish im in a new enviroment. just get away from malaysia and live somewhere else. just ... run away from home. run away from my life. run away from my problems. i finally got a job. im going to save up and move out of this country. i cant stand staying here anymore. sell off everything i ever owned. just take the nessecities. clothes, a few reading books, toothbrush, shampoo and ... myself.

every weekend i just want to run, just run far enough to get out of civilization. just to sit under a tree and read a nice book. so far i havent found a good book to read. i would want to run away to singapore. i remember the park near my uncles house. its the most beautiful park in the world. i just want to stay there and just read a book. dont care who's going out looking for me, what everyones thinking, who's anyone worried about. i just cant take it anymore. i wish it would just stop. i do appreciate everyones concern but its just too much burden for me to carry. my shoulder is so small and can only occupy just one burden at a time.

i hate putting on fake smiles, fake laughters, fake stupidity, fake jumping around, fake happiness. my life now is all fake. nothing is real. this must be a dream. im sure im in a coma right now. everyone i ever loved just sitting next to me, waiting for me to wake up, waiting for me to fight it. unfortunately ... im still in this dream of mine. still fighting, still crying.

i dont like this life. everyone will tell me that im so well off. i have everything i ever wanted. i have a car. i have money to go to a good college. i have this, i have that. but no one sees the real picture. my parents are well off because they worked they ass off to get a good income. thats them. i dont want to steal their glory and waste their money on me. yes yes, everyone will say that im their son and shit. say what u want. after getting that money i worked for. im going to give half of it to my parents. i would probably just go to thailand. near and yet, simple life. live with a small family that would accept me, find a job, enjoy the beaches, enjoy the tourist.

thats my plan. hopefully by the end of this year i would get the money. the sooner the better. im done living in malaysia. im done doing cock stunts every day. im done being a faker. im done living my life as a teenager. im done living as derrick teh.

rick.

today was rather interesting. woke up around 4pm. took the lrt down to kl with sarah, sy, mode and annie. we just shopped around. i got me some new earings and a nice shirt from topshop which cost me a bomb but i like it. so yeah. had lunch in kfc. they made me eat a lot because all of them said i was getting skinnier. yeah yeah, im bulimic! hehehe.

we reached home around 9pm. i fell asleep straight away after lying down on my bed. i dont know why i was so beat. while i was sleeping, sarah and sy finished the puzzle. its not fair!! hahahah i did a lot this morning before leaving for kl. i really wanted to put the last piece in but its a group effort! its all worth it!! yeahhh!!

so tonight is rather boring. its only 12.50am and i have nothing to do. even the tv sucks. i mean, its a saturday night, there should be some nice shit on but nooooo ... they rather show some stupid shows. pfft.

feeling rather down though. i dont know why but i do. when i woke up from my nap, i was like finding someone on the other side of the bed. someone to hug. but unfortunately there was no one at all. just emptiness. i need to be loved. i need love. i just want to be loved. thats all. everything else can come along by itself. sigh. i just hate me.

rick.

i was late for class again today. i switched my alarm off and told myself that i would wake up in 5 minutes. i slept till 8.45am. by the time i got ready ... it was 9am already. yet again, late for class for 30 minutes. i must stop doing this. pfft. all the things in my head just makes me not sleep. oh well.

classes were ok today. had fun with eve talking the chinese accent. pretty funny yet annoying. yeah. =P oh well. i was down during geography but i was paying full attention. weird. had maths and i was so stupid. i saw the numbers wrongly and i asked the lecturer what was 0/0 (zero divided by zero) and she said it could be 1 or infinite. i saw the question and it was percentage. soooooo stupid until everyone laughed! pfft.

after that we had LAN classes. i showed the lecturer my results from LUCT and got exempted. so i went home after that.

i never knew my classmates were such loving and helpful people. eve gave me a shoulder massage just before maths. shes damn good at it i tell you. either that or i havent had one in a very long time! =P widad was very nice too. had lunch with her at the mamak and we basically just talked about stuff. oh and sookie sewed my tie. omg. it looks brand new! shes like soo nice!! should have belanja her makan or something. heheh. oh well. next time.

sy and sarah came back from cameron highlands today and they brought back some friends along with them. sarah's lecturer and her best friend. surprised to see them. so they made steamboat but unfortunately i finished a whole bag of chips right after they came back.

was messaging widad and asking what she was doing. she was baking brownies. heh. she then asked me to call her around 11.30pm. i totally forgot and when i got back in my room. i saw her message. hahaha whoops. then i called her back and we just chatted for like 1 and a half hours? not sure. just talked randomly about stuff again. really nice to talk to friends and get my mind of things at night. it really helps. thank God i have friends.

sy and i are almost finishing the puzzle. its somewhere 80%-85% done. we're close!! its the glow in the dark type and i tell you. once we switched off the lights ... it looked so damn beautiful! oh well ... finishing it tomorrow. time to sleep. getting a lil bit too late. heheh. nites all.

rick

i felt so down today. i do not know why. i cleaned my whole room and most of the rubbish outside. im sick and tired of picking up after other people. im going to tell all 3 of them off tomorrow when i get back home from college. i really cant stand it.

classes were ok i guess. i was late for class again and the lecturer got a little mad. she asked me where im from, i told her i was from sabah. the whole class laughed. then she looked at me and said where do you live, then i told her kelana jaya. so she was like talking shit about me. i just sat there and drank my home made coffee. thank god i have classmates or else i wouldnt know whats happening in class. i slept through business maths and i that made me not listen to the formula she was talking about. after that i just asked my friend how to do it and i did it. simple.

sookie took my tie. she saw the tie's holding part loose. as in the slot where u put your excess tie in after you tie your tie. so she said she would sew it for me. i never knew i had such good classmates! hahaha. oh well.

i almost cried so many times watching the o.c season 3. its like so freaking sad. the things they say. the things they would do for love. just simply ... wow.

i'd better go off to bed now. dont want to be late for class anymore. i feel so sick. i have the flu, head ache ... omg. im a little sick boy. shit. i hate this feeling.

rick.

im so tired. i woke up late for class this morning. 30 minutes late in fact. the lecturer was like, give me your handphone number. i want to call you next time. the whole classes laugh. :(

so yeah. went for class. a few classes got canceled so we had so much free time. after classes, i totally forgot about commising (helping chefs prepare). i went home, got changed and went back to college. on the way back to college, i forgot to bring my scraf, hat and apron. so i called widad and told her i couldnt make it. she told me it was an hour later. so i went back. checked my computer stuff and then back to college to do the commis. it was rather interesting if i might add. we were commising for term 6 students. this is their final term and they came up with totally crappy presentation and food. the chef fired at them and told them that he doesnt want to ruin his reputation just because of them. he asked them to find another chef. it was interesting.

we finished around 10pm. went for dinner with eve. we talked. talked about how depressing our life is and somehow we just click. oh well. everyone is hitting on her except me. what the use. the love in me is gone. heheh. i'd rather just wait till i grow older to feel love again. its just too soon for anything. oh oh. the chef was hitting on eve too. omg, so many people are hitting on her!! its like so funny!! i told her that and she was like ... yahhhhh!! you noticed too? hahahah

so yeah. back home now. going to catch the midnight movie with sy, sarah and mode.

got to go. im tired. probably sleep in the cinema! hahaha. oh well.

rick.

woke up early. went to Monte's in bangsar with kathleen and joel. we were kinda early so we walked around the shopping complex. rather interesting because when i go there, i dont really walk around the whole place. they have some weird shops around. so yeah. we then went there to interview the manager. she was kinda responsive with our questions but not reluctant to let us snap some pictures. so overall, it was a waste of time.

after that kathleen went home. so, joel and i went to Passion Cafe in damansara perdana. it was his friends restaurant that he used to work for. rather cheap food. chicken cordon bleu only for rm12.90. thats cheap! so yeah. interviewed the owner and then we went back to college.

met with widad and eve in college in pastry kitchen helping chef karam. they love helping him out in the pastry kitchen. so i just stood there and listened in on his tips on how to make pastries. they made puff pastry, chocolate cake and muffins. i went home before they finished baking. was rather tired. eve was in her depression mode again today. when i left, she just turned her bitchy mode on. i wanted to stay but i was just too tired. i guess she just wanted company. oh well. letting her be would be the best solution.

then i came home, went to the computer shop nearby to fix mode's comp. at first the dude said we had to leave the cpu there. then when he looked at it the second time, he said everything was fine. then when he looked the third time, he said we had to leave it there. so yeah. we left it there.

then we came home, i took like a two to three hour nap. i was soooo tired. woke up at 9pm. went for dinner. then went to ESC to play some games. sarah was bored staying home the whole day. so she wanted to go do something. so thats that.

im having a bad headache and i dont have no panadol or shit like that. my head just hurts badly. dont know if its a migrain or what. i never felt a migrain in my whole life. people tell me it sucks. i wouldnt want to find out how it feels like. oh well. i guess i should just try to fall asleep.

oh oh...before that, i had the weirdest dream when i had my nap. bodies were flying everywhere. i was driving my car down this road and this girl sitting next to me, probably my girlfriend (mind u i dont know who the heck she is). it was snowing and we were driving down this slippery road and i just see bodies just flying! cars overturning and omg. it was like freaky!! after that i told her that i dont want to go anymore (mind u, i dont know where we were going). then she said "but ive waited so long for u to come over". so i just agreed and ta daaaa ... we reached her house. i met her dad. really weird dad though. i dont think she has a mom. so yeah. i think we were going to have christmas dinner together. all 3 of us. i met her dad for the first time and the dad was like, so your derrick. nice to meet u. hahahaha so yeah. freaky stuff. after that we made out in her room and i woke up a little sweaty. nightmare? i dont know. its just freaking my out with the bodies flying all over the place. im just scared. maybe its some omen thing. i dont know. oh well ... just have to wait if i see my own body flying through the air tmr morning! :)

rick.

this morning i woke up extra early to attend class. waking up at 7.30am sucks but i have to. we had to serve V.I.P's. unfortunately, the lecturer dismissed me because my hair was too long. i couldnt attend class. i even talked to the head of Hospitality & Tourism and he said "if the lecturer wont let you attend class, neither am i". i was like ok sir, thank you. i told my lecturer that the head didnt give me a confirmation letter that i could attend class. so i went home.

kathleen, joel and i will be going to Monte's in Bangsar to do an interview with the manager. its a group project for our restaurant tech. so yeah. have to wake up early again. my classes are weird. its like alternate classes. this tuesday no class, next tuesday theres class. so yeah. classes classes.

widad called me up and we talked about stuff. we just randomly chat on the phone. at first we were worried about eve. she messaged me telling me that shes depressed, so tired of living and she did something stupid again. i got so worried about her. i always think its my fault but it is not. although i didnt talk that much to her in class today but i mean ... im just scared.

the puzzle is almost there. i did a few touch ups that i could find. did the trees. heh, thats the best i can do for a few minutes. anyways, need to go to bed.

live for the present, dream of the future and learn from the past.
rick.

i cooked for my housemates, sy and mode. surprisingly they liked my cooking. i cooked chicken, veg and eggs. cooked a little too much. hehee they stuffed themself.

i cant think straight anymore. my mind always wonder to something else. something that does not concern me but i just go there. i hate that feeling. you know, it just hurts me inside knowing something that im not suppose to know. get? you just cant erase feelings that easily. you just cant wipe off memories that easily. i wish i could but i love those memories. i cherish them. as hard as i want to get rid of them, heck, they just come back.

sometimes i feel the worst ive ever felt. sometimes i feel the best ive ever felt. but feelings just stack over each other. they just overcome me.

mum always said, dont let feelings overcome mind. but feelings has been taking over me ever since i broke up. i crumble easily. i bruise easily. i cry easily. i hurt easily. but all of this things still happen. they just wont stop until i die. i guess i would just have to bare the pain.

the puzzles 45% done. i have a picture but im just lazy to upload it. ive got to get ready for tmr. gnite all.

sadness is just sadness. theres more people out there that sleeps alone than people that sleeps with someone else. right.

rick.

today is such a nice day to sleep in. its raining, its cold, its really cosy. i love the weather!

somehow i just felt odd when i woke up. i really did. its like, i missed her. i really do. the amount of love i gave her, its just, i dont know. im just deeply in love. i dont know how to stop my system to do that.

dont you think it sucks when you love her more than she loves you? dont you love it when she loves you more than you love her? that would be nice for a change. everything you do together would just be fantastic. she would love to hear your voice every night before going to bed. she would love to read a book with you until both of you fall asleep. she would hug you to sleep every night telling you how much she loves you before going to bed. i just want that and nothing else.

its just hard for me to process break ups.

rick.

there you go. 437 pieces of puzzles in 3 hours. mostly whites. so fun huh?

we were so bored we just took out the puzzle my sister had for like a million years and just put them together. while putting it together, i thought about her. its bad but i dont know. i just miss her alot. it was hard. im sleepy. gnite.

rick.

i hate having memories about the past. it really buries me deeper into the ground. hiding from civilization. but i cant help it. every time i see a place where we had memories, i crumble.

sometimes i just wish life was easier. i trusted after being fooled by me. i believe in faith after knowing it is real. i would think before acting doing silly things. if i just realized all this before, we would still be.

but whats done is done. i cant rewrite the past. i can only ponder to the future and await what it has in store for me.

im getting over it. i dont think about it anymore. but like i said, i cant forget great and wonderful memories. just the thought alone makes me ...

rick.

you know, times like this, i really wish i hadnt done anything to myself. i find it stupid you know? i really want to change things. like change how my feelings are. i dont want it to run hay-wire anymore. i just want it to be a steady one. just relaxed all the time. but i guess that would be impossible.

i chatted with eve last night. she has some problems of her own. i managed to calm her down, but when she came to class this morning, she blamed me for making her more depressed and showed me her cut on her hand. i was like !??!?!?!what?!?!?!? then she told me she was kidding.

eve's a really nice girl. but she is just gets caught up in her emotions. emotions taking over body and soul. just like me. i feel the same way. i just cant seem to control anything anymore. its like, whatever goes, goes. sookie asked if i cried last night. i asked her back how does she know. then she said so its true? i just smiled and walked off. everyone in the class cares about each other. thats one good thing about my class.

nicholas talked to me while i was sending him home. he was talking about this MLM (multi level marketing) with Synergy. i was like, my mum just made me join a few days ago. he's already making US$100 and this is only his first week. not bad i might add. i thought i would be the only one doing it but i guess someone beat me to it.

life gets rather complicating at times. i just want it to be normal again. i dont want love. i dont want funky stuff on bed. i dont want anything to do with what they call "love". i just dont. i see girls differently now. every girl is different and it scares me. you'll never expect the things they do or say. it just comes straight to your face. i dont think i want to be in a relationship until im like 24. thats a good year. i would love to be 24 and stay that way. :) maybe i should just stop my birthday celebration at 24? what about that? hahaha oh well.

rick.

after telling sy what i wanted to do last night, he called me into his room and talked to me. i thank him for doing that or what knows where i would be now. heaven or hell?

i missed my first two classes today. i overslept because my alarm did not ring at all!! hehehe. oh well. so yeah, kathleen called me up at 11am to ask me to join her group for restaurant theory. so i said yes, rather than joining the two guys i always do. they are lazy people i tell you. thank God im with another group. someone once said its good to jump around and get to know more people!

so yeah. went to class in the afternoon and just listened in for accounts. maths or geo was cancelled, so we went off early today. so i decided to stay and hang with a few of my friends that stayed back too. its nice to just lay back and chit chat. well, we did not chit chat but oh well. its just nice.

i would want to feel the same way as pikky does. shes such a mature girl. i adore her.

life goes on after a breakup. deal with it. dont cry over spilt milk.

rick.

i cant believe im doing this because of myself. im so selfish.

if i die today. im sorry i cant show the world what im capable of. im sorry to my parents that i cant show them how brilliant their son is. im sorry to my friends that i wont be there anymore. im just sorry.

rick.

i cant believe im crying. it hurts me inside that i cant do anything about myself. it just hurts.

i feel i should start as new as i can get. be more independant, more mature. i need that. i really do. what for? for myself. this is all for me and only for me. to succeed in life this is what i have to do.

thank you everyone for everything you've done for me. thank you. i really appreciate every single thing everyone has done to console me, take care of me, talk to me, spend time with me, i just want to thank all of you.

in time, ill change. in time, ill grow.

rick.

today was the first day of class. i kinda enjoyed it! ... well, not really.

had food hygiene, food sanitation, accounting and geography. rather interesting subjects i have this year no? hahaha yeah. its been a dick but oh well, have to live with it right?

u know what? eve has the exact same lip balm as she does. i smelled it and oh my God, it reminded me of her all over again. i couldnt take it after that so i had a little alone time outside of my class. then i was ok again. thank God i got over it that quickly.

widad bought me nutella from singapore!! shes like the sweetest girl ever!! i said i used to eat nutella and milk, so she told me she would get it for me. i said it was alright and she just said ok. then today i saw a bottle of nutella in my drawer. hahahaha shes so cute. i think i might be falling in love yet again. but not so soon. i need to get over things before i start anything new. i dont want to cause anymore pain to anyone. its just wrong.

overall, today is an ok day. :)

rick.

I am lost within my shadow,
I am lost within the time,
I search for something founded,
Until I feel I've lost my mind.
In time it's like an hour,
A mile seems more the length,
I have so far to travel,
But what I'm missing is the strength.

I am lost within the words,
I can't force them to make sense,
I need to grasp reality,
But, my fingers feel too tense.

I feel it goes un-noticed,
All the signs they seem so clear,
The only thing that's missing,
Is for someone just to hear.


How To Be A Better Couple
10 steps to enjoying each other better...

1. Be realistic about each other.
Don't try to turn ur partner into something he or she is not.
Let's face it, guys-there's only 1 Pamela Anderson in the world,
and even she has had her implants removed! Give ur gal a break and
understand that her physical appearance is NOT going to change
overnite with the help of a few facials or treatments.
And ladies, Brad Pitt has already been taken, so u're gonna have
to do with what ur guy is like! Chill out, love each other for what
u are. There is more to ur partner than what meets the eye.

2. Always talk things out.
Now guys, I know this is not ur fave pastime or mode of resolving
issues, but u know what? This works with the gals. Don't make
assumptions about each other's feelings. Learn to xpress urself
better so that ur partner undrstands what u're angry about, or
hurt about, or even happy about! When u stop talking to each other
from the heart, it's the beginning of the end.

3. Do stuff together.
Make an effort to do things together. Do some sports or involve
urselves in some shared activities; something both of u enjoy or
are interested in. It could be as simple as watching movies together,
or jus strolling hand-in-hand down Orchard Road. Watch soccor with
him once in a while though the green patch on TV puts u to sleep in
3 seconds. And guys, do give in if ur gal asks for another day at
window-shopping, rather than suggest that she go out with her
girlfriends for "that sort of activities" instead. If u're spending
more time with ur friends rather than with ur partner, it's a
warning sign that u're drifting apart!!!

4. Meet each other halfway.
If he agrees to throw out that rotten T-shirt with the
"The_Rock" print, u shouldn't kick up much of a fuss if he asks u
to keep ur room tidy. There's gotta be a little giving and taking
in a relationship, so learn to meet each other halfway.

5.Show ur love
Buy her flowers or candy or perfume everynow and then, even if u
have been together for 5years. It's wonderful to continue showing
someone that u care for him or her. Cook him a special meal, paint
him a Valentine's Day card. Knit him mini-socks he can't wear
( like for decoration purposes => ), buy him a packet of milk for
breakfast, or pack his wardrobe for him...so he knows u can still
be romantic and loving despite having been together for quite a while.

6. Respect each other.
Stop making jokes about her hair or skin, or whatever it is u love
to laugh at. Ask urself if she thinks if its funny. And if he has
an inferiority complex about his height, stop ogling at tall guys
and make him feel worse! Love is about respecting each other's
feelings and being sensitive to each other at all times.

7. Bury the past.
Stop bringing up the past. Gals..don't bring up the happy things
about u and ur ex to ur guy, it would jus make him jealous or
unhappy. And guys, don't talk about the happy times that u had
with ur ex or mention about her in ur every other sentence as it
would make ur gal feel un-happy and she might think that u saying
all this b'cos u are gonna get back with ur ex or not interested in
her anymore.

8. Sit on ur jealousy.
All of us go thru' spells of insecurity at the beginning of the
relationship, but don't translate that insecurity into jealousy.
If u're gonna go through ur partner's mail and cupboard, and
eavesdropping on conversations, u know something is wrong - with u!!!
Jealousy is like a poison that slowly spreads thru' the relationship
before finally killing it. Trust ur partner; love has to have trust
in it.

9. Keep ur commitments to each other.
If ur partner is standing u up all the time and cancelling dates
and breaking promises, u need to talk! If u're in a relationship,
make ur partner ur priority and don't disappoint them if u can help
it. It's really terrible when someone promises to take u to dinner,
and then calls to cancel it. Don't make promises u can't keep. If ur
partner starts to feel that he/she is not important enough to u, u
may jus lose him/her.

10. Be honest.
Honesty is not scowling at how awful she looks first thing in the
morning, or telling him that he has the biceps of a fly~! When we
say "be honest", we mean expressing ur feelings clearly, not being
bitingly cruel. When u're hurt, say so, and when u're angry, tell
him/her, w/o getting hysterical. If u can't be honest with ur partner,
who can u be honest with? æ Love is also about honesty, and a
relationship where no honesty exists probably isn't worth it!

all the 10 things i did not do.

Around the corner I have a friend,

In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
She knows I like her just as well,
As in the days when I rang her bell.
And she rang mine if, we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired people.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say "I will call on Sarah"
"Just to show that I'm thinking of her."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner!- yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir" "Sarah died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell
someone what they mean to you. Because when you
decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay
close to your friends and family, for they have helped
make you the person that you are today.

yay!! my first post!! the only person that knows this site ... ZY!! my oh so lovable cousin!! yay!!